Flesh eating disease

So,  I was literally priding myself the other day for not having ANY side effects from the Tamoxifen. I thought I was stronger than the drug!  I have been having very dry and painful skin,  but I knew it was from our move to the new house and my body isn’t used to clorinated water.  That was, until I talked to my friend who is on a drug similiar to Tamoxifen.  She was complaining about her severely dry skin and blaming her cancer drug.  Hmmm......googled and yes - that is a major symptom.  I thought I had a flesh eating disease.  The skin on my thighs actually feels like it is splitting apart and on fire. The palms of my hands are peeling right off.  So is the skin on parts of my face.  Cool.  This is fun. So I am not unscathed by the Tamoxifen.    I have 3 months down and 117 more months to go on this drug.  I will probably look like a mummy by then.

A sadder turn of events is that another co-worker has breast cancer.  Unbelievable for such a small school.  Makes you wonder what the heck is going on.  I can’t get her off my mind.  It’s a long and difficult journey.  She was asking questions like how long I had my tubes in after the surgery and when I could drive again.  I didn’t have the answers.  I have completely blocked these things out of my mind.  I’ve blocked much of the past year.  I’m thankful that I kept this blog.  I took a little trip back and reread.  Wow.

Quiet mind - finally!

I have struggled over a year with my mind.  I cannot explain it any other way than to say it has felt the way I envision ADHD mixed with anxiety would feel like.  My brain was buzzing all the time.  For real - it felt like it was buzzing.  I had trouble remembering things, socializing, listening, planning, communicating, staying calm, understanding things.  Chemo definitely made it all a thousand times worse.  It has been only recently that I finally feel my brain calming down.  My thinking is more collected and not jumping all over the place.  I still have a few spots that are difficult for me.  The two big ones are 1) recalling words (super frustrating!) and 2) remembering people’s names (super embarassing!).  It even happens with people I see all the time.  I will be able to recall a first or last name, but not both.  I will also see someone that I know I should know, but I cannot place them!  But, for the most part, my mind has recovered.  And it is QUIET.  And it is such a relief.

I’ve been working on my brain - listening to audio books in the car and reading a little every night.  It is helping.

I’m starting to think a lot about my upcoming surgery in February.  I want to get put back together, but i just don’t want to go through the recovery again.  I still do not know exactly what I want done.  I have decisions to make.  I have my pre-op appointment in January.  I will iron things out at that appointment and hopefully get my expectations set.

But, for now.....it has been fun preparing for the holidays.  I did the bare minimum last year.  I don’t remember much of it.  It’s nice being back on track. :)