Tit for Tat

Or rather, tat for tit.  :D

I had my areola tattooed on today.  I was a little nervous, but in the grand scheme of things, I figured this was going to be small.  It was.  The tattoo artist had me fill out a million forms while she matched my color.  She asked if I had any feeling on my breast and I told her that I didn’t, so I wasn’t worried about it hurting.  She said that most women say that, but they usually can feel something.  I didn’t.  Not a thing.  So, because it was so painfree and cool, it was probably my gateway tattoo and soon I’ll be all tatted up!!  But seriously,   I would like to get a small tattoo on my wrist or over my port scar that says “survivor” with a small pink ribbon.  Just a small reminder.  We’ll see.

Anyway, if I thought having my nipple reconstructed raised my self-esteem.  This tattoo raised it up even more.  It really looks amazing!  I’m still hacked up all over with scars, but she says they will fade.

My hair is continuing to grow.  I have serious  “chemo curls”.  My normal hair is wavy.  I’m assuming this will eventually go back to that.  But, for now, it looks like it is the 1980’s and I got a perm.  People have actually asked me if I got a perm.  I’m getting more and more comfortable with my hair, but I am absolutely planning on growing it all the way out again.  I can’t wait.

As far as my cancer, I still see the oncologist every 3 months.  Eventually that will increase to 6 months and then a year.  And this will all be in my past.

My chemo brain is pretty much repaired.  My ability to process things quickly has returned.  I’m happy to be in social situations.  My eyebrows are getting microbladed in a month because they only grew halfway in.  My sense of smell is still not up to par.  This effects my sense of taste as well.  However, I am getting used to it.  The numbness in my left arm and breast will remain for life.  The 20 pounds that I gained throughout this whole process is being stubborn, but I’m working on it.  My joint pain comes and goes.  That is still a mystery.

I think this is where I’m going to end this story.  Sometimes I look back at all my blog posts.  It is overwhelming to read.  I am still too close to the pain.  I pray this is the last time cancer enters my life.

Epilogue:  I lived happily ever after.

Coming back to life....

First of all, let me just say that having the nipple reconstruction has seriously improved my self-image.  It has been a long time since I was able to look at myself in the mirror without clothes.  I did not expect this last reconstruction to have such a positive impact on me.  Yes, my body still looks completely butchered......so many ugly scars......but I am feeling better about myself.

It’s weird, but during the time that I got my diagnosis and throughout the surgeries and chemo, I became very tunnel visioned.  My horizon got so small.  I blocked a lot out.  I am missing huge portions of my memory of things from my chemo months.  Now I realize it was due to being tunnel-visioned.  We bought this new house and moved during that time.  I am just starting to actually LOOK around and take in this new space.  I realize how crazy this sounds.  I actually stopped taking in information, socialization, and memories for about a year.  I had stopped living and burrowed down deep inside myself while I healed.  I have so much excitement for this summer - to LIVE and do things with the boys!

Currently, I am trying to get my activity level back to normal.  I have been doing yoga and trying to stretch my body and mind.  It is getting a bit easier for me to just get up off the ground.  I haven’t been able to do that for a while now!  It’s amazing how your body shuts down in such a short amount of time.  I have also started doing a “Couch to 5K” program.  It’s a program that will help me work cardio back into my life until I am ready to run/walk a 5K.  I have my sights set on the Mother’s Day Breast Cancer run/walk that I did last year.  I’m in a completely different place now!!  And that was such a moral booster last year!

On the horizon:  In May, I get my areola tattooed onto my “new” nipple.  In June, I get my eyebrows microbladed (tattooed).  They never grew all the way back.

Post-op appointment

Whew, I am one sore puppy!!  I finally took a shower today.  I didn’t take any of my bandages off.  I just couldn’t do it.  I look like a monster - swollen and bruised and bandaged.  Oh course, when I went in, the nurse practitioner says, “Wow, you look great!”  I would hate to see what they think doesn’t look great.

Here’s some weirdness. My “new” nipple was created by cutting my remaining nipple in half and sewing it onto my reconstructed breast.  It will turn black (it has already) and slough off -ewwwwww- and I will be left with a new, pink nipple.  Crazy.

All the areas that they did the liposuction and fat grafting are bruised and painful.  She says I will be in decent pain for a good month.  I stopped taking the oxycodone because it was making me sick.    I’m not allowed to exercise and sweat for a full month.  I am honestly kind of bummed about that.  But, I have pain just standing up straight.....so I don’t think doing a cobra pose would feel very good.

The spot where my port came out hurts and got really red last night. Dave called the after hours doctor.  They had me take a photo of it and send it to them.  They think it’s just irritated.  She poked around it a lot today and decided that I will live and to just keep on the antibiotics.

I have to remove my bandages on Monday.  Nobody mentioned not working, so I didn’t ask.  I’m going back on Thursday.  I’m sure it will be fine.

Next up:  Another visit with the plastic surgeon in 3 weeks for another check.  Then, I will schedule my appointment to tattoo an areola.  :)

Surgery done!

Amazingly, I survived yesterday without FOOD!!  My surgery ended up being delayed 1.5 hours and I finally went in at 3:30pm.  Surgery lasted almost 2 hours (but mere minutes for me!!!).  I had lots done:  port removed, nipple and reduction on left breast, augmented right breast with fat grafting, and cosmetic repair of my stomach/sides from the DIEP flat procedure that I had done during the mastectomy.  I was basically dressed and pushed out the door before I was even 100% conscious.  Thankful for Dave getting me home, in bed, and a nice slice of peanut butter toast! :)

I haven’t looked at my body yet.  I probably won’t look at it for 48 hours, when I can take a shower again.  I think I will need to set my expectations low, even though the doc told Dave that I will pleased with the results.

I definitely have a lot more pain than I did for the mastectomy - but I had internal and external pain relief for that procedure.  Right now, Codeine is my best friend.  Feeling SORE is an understatement.  Stupidly, I YouTubed liposuction and fat grafting just now.  Eeeek!

Nobody has told me how long I will need to stay out of work, but Google says 7-10 days.  It says I will be sore for the next couple of weeks.  I plan on going back in 8 days, with or without soreness!!

Next steps:  post-op appointment with the plastic surgeon this Friday - and then tattoo an areola on the left side.

Surgery day

  I had my pre-surgery screening on Friday.  I’m having a laundry list of things done, and they only had a few of them on the list.  Eyeroll.  They felt a little sketchy about that and made a phone call to Dr. Vega’s office.  The woman who was supposed to add the extra surgery items wasn’t there so they left her a post-it note.  Seems legit.

I called yesterday to find out what time my surgery starts.  It starts at 2pm!!!!  OMG, I could have worked a half day!  Sigh.  I have to report to Highland at 12:30.  I’m STARVING.  I’m not allowed to eat anything after midnight last night.  So, I am sitting here watching the food network and pinning recipes on Pinterest.  And my stomach is growling.

I’m a bit gun-shy on this surgery.  I was just beginning to feel okay from this past year.  Yoga has been helping so much.  I still struggle to get off the floor if I sit down with the kids.  It’s shocking.  So, I’m very nervous about regressing on that.

The surgery is supposed to take 2 hours.  I will be coming home the same day.  Got our favorite babysitter all set for picking up the boys and helping with dinner and bedtime tonight.

Heading to the hospital in another hour.  Looking forward to DINNER!!  :D

Back in the hair game

My MRI results came in the mail last weekend.  I made Dave open it up.  It was fine!  I actually still haven’t even looked at it.

A lot of my joint pain has been considerably reduced.  Is it because of the acupuncture?  Is is because my body finally got rid of all the chemo toxins?  I will never know.

I can tell my body is still healing.  I am very exhausted by 7pm each night.  I still crawl into bed every night -after my 20 minutes of yoga- around 8:00.  Most of my residual joint pain happens by this time of the day and throughout the night.  And it’s mostly just in my hands and feet now.

On Wednesday evening I got my first hair cut and color.  My hair stylist gave me a free hair cut.  I didn’t have a lot to work with, but he worked his magic.  I anticipated getting the hair cut and continuing to wear my head scarves.  I forced myself to post a picture of my hair on Facebook.  Of course, everyone had lots of nice and supportive things to say about it.  I used all that support to gain the courage to go to school the next day without a scarf.  I felt completely naked.  I have been wearing a wig or scarf on my head for the past 11 months.  The scarves have become my security blanket.  They hide the ugly results of chemo.    I had a colleague who would joke about me playing the “cancer card”, but the scarves were something different.  I was never looking for an excuse or pity.  The scarves were evidence of what I had been through.  What I was still working through.  They were a symbol for people to be lenient and gentle with me.  That I was not the whole person that I used to be or that I wanted to be.

So, my hair is ridiculously short.  I do hate it. I want my old hair back, but I have a long wait ahead of me.  Until then, this is going to be my new normal.  I am on the other side of cancer now.  Crawling slowly back to the way things used to be.  There is still so much patience needed.  I’ve come a long way, baby!  A year ago, I had just had the mastectomy and was on a million drugs, with drainage tubes coming out of my body, and having to sit up in a chair all night long.  Not a great memory.  But it is finally in the rear-view mirror.

MRI and pre-op appointment

I had my breast MRI on Monday.  This is just routine and “just to make sure” there are no tumors in my other breast.  I’m not quite sure what I would do if tumors show up.  The results will be in the mail in a couple of days.  Patience.....

Today was my pre-operation appointment with plastic surgeon, Dr. Vega.  I had to sign the surgery papers that tell you all the things that can go wrong.  Always fun.  Then, I had to strip down for my photo-shoot.  Also always fun.  (Eye roll).   The surgery is still scheduled for February 13th.  It should take about 2 hours to do everything (remove port, create a nipple, lipo and fix my disaster of a stomach from the DIEP flap incision, and fat graft my (hopefully non-tumor filled) natural breast.  She didn’t say how long I would be laid up, but the doctor had mentioned a week.  She says I will be really sore where they lipo to get fat for the fat graft.  She says that I will know if the fat graft was successful after three months because the body can sometimes absorb some of the fat.  If that’s the case, I would have to go in for another surgery to do more.  Question:  Why can’t my body absorb the Christmas fat I put on????  The final step for this reconstruction is tattooing on an areola.  They have a tattoo artist right in Vega’s office.  It takes about an hour.

On the immediate horizon:  A cut and color with my hair stylist next week!!  I’m excited.  I don’t have a lot of hair, but it’s time to have it trimmed up and get the gray out!

Joint update:  I’m still doing acupuncture every week.  I am in much less pain with my joints.  The doc gave me a moxa stick to do moxibustion at home for the pain.  It’s some ancient Chinese way of  giving the painful joints intense heat.  It really does take away my pain.  I don’t quite understand it.

And if you’re following the Bergen house saga:  Most of the downstairs carpets, ceilings, and some walls had to be gutted.  A company came in and dried the house and applied a mold barrier.  The oil company is taking responsibility for not delivering oil.  The buyers are sticking with it and besides getting a great deal on the house, are now going to get a brand new first floor!  If all goes well, we will let them choose their preferred carpet and paint colors.  The whole thing is unbelievable.  And then I will have to deal with the actual sadness of actually selling that house.