Dave

Oh boy, where do I even start on this post?  Back when I found the lump in my breast, I did what any smart woman would do.......I denied it and I gave it time to go away......yeah, no, that’s not what smart women do.  But that is what I did because I convinced myself that it was just a fibroid tumor.  A week after finding it, I mentioned it all to Dave.  I made him feel it.  I remember his exact words, “Just for fun, why don’t you get that checked out at the doctor’s?”  I called the next day.  From the minute that I got my diagnosis of breast cancer, Dave sprang into action.  He googled, and read, and talked to people, and developed a strategy for me.  All the while, I was a deer in headlights.  No, I was more of an ostrich with my head in the sand.  I was not ready to tackle this type of problem.  Our lives were too busy.  I had two 4 year olds.  I had just dropped my 18 year old off at his first year of college.  The holidays were coming.  Thank God for Dave.  He took control and made phone call after phone call to schedule consultations with doctors and second opinions and third opinions and fourth, fifth, and sixth opinions.  And just to make sure, he called and scheduled us to spend an entire day at Cleveland Clinic seeing six more doctors!  During all of these appointments, my brain was in complete shutdown.  I was not processing all that I was hearing.  It was too much to take in.  It was scary as hell.  Dave listened and asked the questions and remembered everything.  He UNDERSTOOD everything.  To this day, I can not tell you what kind of cancer I have, but I know Dave can.  We would go to these doctor appointments, pay the fees, listen, and then go out to breakfast or lunch together to talk.  I remember the first conversations when he told me that it didn’t matter to him if I even had breasts.  But, it mattered to me.  I’m not going to lie, I was angry.  I was angry about going to all these second opinions.  I just wanted this over and this was dragging it out.  I took my anger out on him.  The next thing he did was hook me up with a counselor and drove me to the appointments and waited for me.  I didn’t want to see a counselor, but he knew I needed to.   He struggled to juggle his job along with my physical and mental health.  Then, finally, came my surgery.  I honestly cannot remember how long my surgery was - maybe 8 hours?  He was there the whole time and even updated my blog for me. Then I spent 4 days in the hospital, in misery.  And every minute of it, he was there.   Every time I woke up.  He slept in a chair next to my hospital bed every night. He checked in on the kids, the house, our cat.  When I was released to go home, he learned how to measure and empty my four drains - when I could not physically or emotionally deal with them.  A disgusting job.  He got my medications in order and kept me on a schedule for everything.  I was still an unhappy camper.  I was still angry about everything to do with my situation.  I could not see the forest for the trees at that point.  He stopped traveling for the 6 (or was it 8?) weeks that I was home.  He took me to all my appointments.  Then came chemo.  Boy, if I thought I was angry and unhappy before......that was nothing compared to the six months of chemo days.  I took out all my frustrations on him.  And he never backed down.  Not even when I was at my lowest points.  When I was ugly inside and out.  He was there.  Quietly there.  Always. He rubbed my feet.  He loved and took care of me when I wasn’t a bit lovable or a bit thankful for his help.  And when I was too sick to eat or stand or care....when I couldn’t sleep through the night.......when I was in pain......he was there. I  wouldn’t have made it without him.

A year

A year ago my brother and I had spent the summer fixing up my ancient hip-roof barn in anticipation of having a huge halloween dance party. We strung the entire barn with lights, built a bar, a food station, a fire place, and a dance floor. I found the lumps in my breast early that October.  I gave them a couple of weeks to go away on their own and then I went in for all the tests and biopsies.  I had the biopsy done on a Friday and we had that party on a Saturday.  My breast was still bleeding from the biopsies and I was terrified that the results would come back cancerous on Monday, but we had that party and it was awesome!  Fast forward to this October.  Even though we moved, our old house hadn’t sold, so we went back for one more halloween barn party.  If I could have seen one year into the future last year - that I wouldn’t have hair, my body disfigured, and that I had a port in my chest - it would have been the worst thing I could ever think of. But, looking BACK at the year with these things is a different perspective - and I have come so far and been through so much.  And we had this halloween barn party again.....one year later......and it was awesome!! :)

Dave and me last year

Will & James & me

My barn! <3

Josh & me this year

So, today was mammogram day.  I have been dreading this. When I got there, my hands were actually trembling.  I was bracing myself for bad news, even though I really have no reason to.  But in all fairness, it is crazy that I had so many unexplained tumors in my breast last year.  So, I stressed.  As I was signing in at the front desk, I heard someone call my name behind me.  It was my friend who I mentioned in a previous post!  We were actually scheduled for our post cancer diagnostic mammograms on the same day and same time!!!!!!!!!  I was never so happy to see a friendly face!  The mammogram was scheduled first.  I did not want to have that much pressure placed on my reconstructed breast!!  She assured me that it would be fine.  So, I had the images taken on both breasts.  Since there is absolutely no feeling or sensation in my left breast, there was no discomfort with the mammogram on that side.  I just closed my eyes tight.  On my right side, my chemo port is in the breast tissue, so it has to be mammogrammed, as well. UGH!  Again, I closed my eyes and held my breath.  It was over in no time.  She sent the images to the doctor and sent me back to the waiting room in my purple gown.  My friend was there and we probably chatted away a whole hour together……..so thankful for that distraction while we both awaited our results. It's so funny that I wanted someone with me that day and I got my wish!!! :)  I finally got called back to meet with the doctor.  She did a manual exam and then an ultrasound of both breasts and lymph nodes.  Everything looked GREAT!  I got a clean bill of health!  She does recommend that I have an MRI just to be sure.  I will call about that tomorrow.  My friend got good news too! :)

Sweet Elizabeth Wende purple gowns

Spontaneous therapy session

I have a friend who also found out she had breast cancer - literally within days of me finding out about my own.  Her journey took her through a lumpectomy and radiation. We have compared stories and shared any gems of wisdom we have found along the way.  I had a chance to connect up with her today.  We are both due for our mammograms again.  And once again, we will be going for them only a week apart.  We are both terrified, to put it mildly.  Neither of us can face another year like we’ve just come through.  She had an appointment with her oncologist and she said her blood pressure was sky high and she was nearly in tears just being there.  She compared it to having PTSD.  I would have to agree. My heart rate is always above the healthy level when I’m at any of my appointments dealing with my cancer.  There is always this underlying thought that the rug is going to get pulled out from under me again.  It is nice to be able to commiserate with someone who is having all the same feelings as me.  As the holidays approach, I cannot remember much of anything about them last year.  It’s like I blacked out of a year of my life.  I look at pictures that I don’t remember taking.  I cannot remember the family parties.  I cannot remember the gifts that I gave or received.  It is shocking to me that along with suppressing all my fears about my upcoming mastectomy that I also supressed all my memories from that time period!  The brain is amazing.  We also talked about putting on a smiling and brave face for our families, friends, and workplace. When you do that without taking time to be honest with yourself, it is exhausting.  I became a fake shell of a person.  That is the only way I can describe it.  It is only now that I am desperately trying to claw my way back to the person that I was before.  It’s going to be a long road and I foresee the surgery in February setting me back a little.   Right now, I’m just consumed with distracting myself until I get news of a clean mammogram.....

Acupuncture

I had my appointment with Pivot Acupuncture today.  They are a husband/wife who do acupuncture, acupressure, and physical therapy.  They have offices in Bergen and the city.  I went to them after the twin pregnancy because I had joint pain in my hands and feet back them.  I stuck with it for a year and it helped a ton.

So, I reconnected today.  The first thing an acupuncturist does is looks at your tongue and takes your pulse.  They can tell a lot by your tongue.  She told me that my "chi" is depleted.  Chi is your life energy flow, if you are into that sort of thing.  Since our health insurance covers acupuncture 100% I will assume it has been proven to work.  Also, if you believe in something, I do think it works for you.  I asked what would deplete my chi.  Duh, it's chemo!  Chinese herbs can increase it.  Acupuncure opens up your chi canals throughout your body, letting your life energy flow more freely.  This can cure or prevent illness.  I had the needles placed, which by the way, doesn't hurt at all when they pierce your skin.  What does hurt is that they kind of twist the needles in further until it hits your chi canal.  For me, when it hits this spot, it feels like a jolt of electricity!  Quite unpleasant.  The needles stay in and you get to lie in a quiet, dark room with meditation music playing.  Usually there is a heat lamp on you to keep you comfortable....but I generally don't want it because I'm typically warm.  I am going to go back 4 weeks in a row and see what progress it brings.  Then, you generally go on a maintenance schedule.

She asked me about my diet.  She mentioned eliminating sugar and fast burning carbs.  I pretended I didn't hear that.  ;)

Sorry if the "chi" stuff makes me sound like a fruit loop.  I'm willing to do anything to get out of this pain.  I'd like to do it without drugs and side effects......I've had enough side effects lately to last a lifetime. I'll go back to crunching on my granola now.  :D

Yoga breathing and yoga crying

I paid $30 to attend a cancer survivorship talk, yoga, and meditation at Breathe Yoga tonight.  In my head, the room would be full of people like me, in headscarves - wanting to use Yoga to reclaim their health.  In reality, there was only one other person with a headscarf out of a room of 30+ people.  The yoga room was at least a million degrees and my hot flashes and I almost bailed upon hitting that wall of heat......but we pressed on.  Dr. Karen M. Mustian spoke for almost an hour.  She has done studies, published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology that show proof that yoga helps cancer patients.  Her studies used people who had gone through cancer surgery, chemo, and/or radiation and were done with treatment (except for oral chemo like Tamoxifen).  The three symptoms she was looking to reduce were:  exhaustion, chemo brain (specifically ability to focus and remember), and all over muscle/joint pain.  ME!!!  There were thousands of people in the study, with a group receiving a placebo - which in this case was an oncologist prescribing meds, etc. to try to solve those very same issues.  ME!!!  In the study, the people receiving yoga had to go thtough a specific yoga sequence (breathing, poses, mindfulness) two times a week for 4 weeks.  The time period was kept short because she felt that if people weren't getting relief from these symptoms in that amount of time, they would go to their doctor for medication.  The study worked.  All three of those types of symptoms were reduced or gone with yoga!

After her talk, we were lead through restorative yoga and meditation.  It is sad how difficult it has become for me to move my body.  So much pain. For the first time in forever, I focused on my body, my breathing, and the teacher talking to us.  Nothing else was in my brain.  And I cried silently through the whole thing.  I could feel the tears streaking down my face and neck. I don't even know what I was crying about - the best I can think is that I finally felt understood.  She spoke of women with breast cancer all just living life and feeling great - and bam - you find out you have cancer.  Then, you have disfiguring surgery and chemo or radiation that makes you sick.  Your body gets put through a lot of stress and works against you.  It is a hard place to climb out of.  I listened and I cried.   Thankfully they had the lighting very low!  I left feeling taller and lighter.

I need to fit yoga into my life.  And massage, acupuncture (got an appointment next wednesday!), meditation, mindfulness, and chiropractic care.  Don't worry, I'm not going to run off by myself, traveling the world, writing "Eat, Pray, Love Part II".  But, I'm starting to feel like I could!! :D

Surgery scheduled for February

First, let me back up to yesterday.  My pain in my joints (especially feet, hands, knees) has become almost unbearable.  I am now in pain throughout the day and even when I am not on my feet.  It still gets super severe in the evenings, lasting well into the morning.  For my birthday, Dave got me a 60 minute foot massage. I was super excited.  But, this was a very painful massage!  I have had therapeutic massages before and ouch!  However, I was pain-free for about 3 hours afterwards!!!  So, my thinking is that I should go for a foot massage every three hours for the rest of my life! :) I am, in all seriousness, going to try to do this regularly for a bit.  Massage combined with meditation, acupuncture, chiropractic, and hopefully yoga - that is my recipe for getting my life back.  There is a cancer survivor yoga and meditation class at Breathe Yoga on Wednesday, and I am going.  I hope that I can try to work in the yoga/meditation classes more regularly after that.  I also have some leads on acupuncturists....just have to find the time to call and go in!

I completely ditched the Gabapentin drugs.  They didn't help at all.  Tamoxifen has been fine so far.

Today, I visited Dr. Vega for a consult on my next surgery, which is cosmetic.  He is going to do a laundry list of stuff:  remove my chemo port, fat graft from my abdomen to my right breast to make it the same size as the reconstructed breast, liposuction my stomach/sides to smooth things out, and give me a nipple on the left side.  I scheduled it for February 13th.  I have to be back to my pre-chemo weight prior to surgery.  I insisted that I was only 5-6 lbs away from that - when in reality I may be 8-9 lbs away.  Shhhh.  I have to decide how I want the nipple done.  He can do "nipple sharing", which is cutting the end off the one remaining nipple and using it for the left side.  He can't promise that I won't lose sensation, but he says it will be the best "look".  I have to google that some more.  It kind of freaks me out.  Ok, it really freaks me out.   I will go back to his office in January for a pre-surgery appointment and confirmation on the February 13th surgery date.