Everyone is SICK! :(

As I'm trying to get all my "last minute" things organized and trying to keep my anxiety down.....Everyone here got sick!  James has had a fever/vomiting since last Wednesday.  Finally took him in to urgent care and they put him on an anti-biotic.  Just hours after they all returned from that visit, Will spiked a fever.  So, here comes round two.  I woke up with a severe sore throat and ears.  So nervous....

......anxiety is coming in like giant waves.

Oh, and my skin on the left side of my chest is all raw and looks like open wounds.  It happened all on its own.  I web MD'd it and turns out I may have breast cancer.  Ha.

New surgery date

Dave called Dr. Vega's surgery schedulers and left a message yesterday.  I am thinking he called again this morning when they never called us back yesterday.  They finally called me today.  Surgery is set for January 19th at 12:15pm.  I'm assuming it's starting that late so Dr. Vega isn't jet-lagged.  That's cool.

Now that I have the date, I'm a little more calm (very little).  My Apple Watch only had to remind me to breath once today.  My resting heart rate isn't 114 bpm anymore. That's improvement. I am able to get back to getting things arranged.  I can go back on my Claritin D so my roommate doesn't have to hear me clear my throat a million times a day.  :)

And Dave just scheduled a weekend away in Chicago for the two of us.  Normally flying freaks me out, but in the scheme of things, it's not this time.  Nothing like a little perspective.

Not crazy

Saw the psychologist this morning.  I was supposed to see her for the first half and Dave was supposed to join me for the second half.  That didn't happen.  I talked.  A lot.  For like the whole hour.  And it seemed like it took 2 minutes.  Turns out, I'm not crazy. (Correct, Dave does not believe this). She believes that I've compartmentalized my cancer diagnosis so completely, that I haven't allowed myself to absorb it. I haven't allowed myself to have all the scary and horrible feelings that I'm supposed to have about it.  I'm not big with the feelings thing, so this does scare me.  I haven't cried about this.  I should be.  I just can't.  My biggest fear is that they open me up and discover the cancer is much worse than expected.  Knowing  that I have an 85% chance of living for the next five years is crappy.  I wouldn't get on a plane that had a 15% chance of crashing.  I am also too much of a control freak to allow Dave to take care of me, the boys, and the house. He can't do it.....like me.  And there's the problem.  I deal with my stress by making myself busy, planning, and organizing.  Dave deals with his stress by learning and asking questions and learning more.  Apparently, I harbor a bit of anger at Dave for so many "second opinions" and fear that it created the long wait for surgery.  I have to see the psychologist weekly now - so she can make me feel the feels. Ugh.

Also, Dave was arguing with me that every single person has a decent chance of dying every day.  I argued back, "Not a 15% chance of it!"  So he googled.....and I know you're curious what your chance of dying on any given day is.  It's .5%.  You're welcome.

Up in the Air in the New Year

The phone calls from Dr. Vega continued into Friday evening.  He apologized over and over.  Dave pressed them to keep the surgery on the 12th and cancel their "out of town" trip on the 13th.  Dr. Vega/Dr. Harvey are leaving on the 13th for a conference in Hawaii. Dave looked up this conference. As it stands, their conference ends on a Tuesday in Hawaii.  They would travel home on Wednesday.........and then he would be doing my 5 hour surgery on Thursday.  Also, he is probably beyond frustrated with Dave and me.  Not looking forward to going under that knife.

We called Dr. Hetland Friday evening.  By the way, she is amazing.  She often answers her own office phone and she will make late return calls and spend time answering all our questions.  She apologized for the surgery schedule mishap.  She believes another week won't make a difference with the cancer issue - but understands how I would be upset having had my mind set on the original date. Her schedule can accomodate an earlier surgery date, but Dr. Vega's schedule is really booked.  The surgery scheduling center does not re-open until Tuesday.

The last phone message from Dr. Vega on Friday was the kicker.  He said he was willing to clear his schedule of any surgery to accommodate an earlier surgery for me.  An earlier surgery date would mean THE FIRST WEEK IN JANUARY.  I never called him back.  I don't know how serious he was.

In the meantime, I'm freaking out that I might be in surgery this week. I'm freaking out that I might have to wait 3 more weeks too.  My type A personality is not adjusting to all this uncertainty.  So, I'm a complete wreck.  I stopped all my vitamins and any other meds I might take.  I have to be off of everything 1-2 weeks prior to surgery - nothing can thin my blood prior to micro-surgery.  And since I really have no idea when my surgery will be, I'm just trying to be prepared either way.

Seeing the psychologist tomorrow.  Thankfully.  I hope she's carved out 5 hours for me.

Current status:  No definite surgery date.

Meltdowns, disappointment, and confusion

I barely made it through Christmas.  Yes, it was a pleasant distraction for weeks, but as we neared Christmas Day, I was really struggling.  I've had several tantrum-style meltdowns. I finally asked Dave for the name of the psychologist who specializes in breast cancer.  I needed an appointment.  Turns out, by the time I asked, Dave had already called and was expecting a return call that afternoon.  I'm scheduled to see her on Monday.  I'm ready to be diagnosed as clinically crazy.

I had my pre-op appointment with Dr. Vega's plastic surgery office this morning.  Dr. Vega was on vacation, so I saw the other micro-surgeon, Dr. Harvey.  He started off with, "So, we have a little bit of a problem." ---the words you do NOT want to hear when you've known you've had breast cancer for 3 months and surgery is 13 days away.  The office got me confused with someone else and my surgery cannot proceed on January 12th because Dr. Vega/Dr. Harvey are leaving town on the 13th.  After this type of surgery, I have to be under their watch for 3 days to make sure the reconstruction takes.  Dr. Harvey got to deliver this message to us while Dave tried to not lose his temper and I tried not to cry.  We'll just say that neither of those things were able to be avoided.  It was horrible.  And on top of all that, Dr. Harvey offered a "delayed reconstruction" as a viable option.  That was exactly the surgery that Dr. Vega said he does NOT recommend.  We left very confused.  I am close to the end of my rope on all of this.

Waiting another stress-filled week is just about killing me.  I had this all scheduled with work, my sick days, my subs, child-care, my nuclear injection, my brain........everything was all set. And now it's not.  In fact, it's so "NOT" that Dr. Vega called us twice today from his vacation and confused me all over again with what he recommends.  Remember all those conversations a month ago with Dr. Vega recommending immediate reconstruction.  He gets on the phone and says he would never recommend that for someone getting radiation.  Dave spent a lot of time on the phone with him, thankfully, because I am done with these conversations and decisions.  I just want the cancer OUT.

My new Apple Watch recognized my stress today and after that appointment, it recommended that I take a moment and do a breathing app. Haha. But for real!

Soooooo........Dave helped put this new surgery date in perspective for me. He says that surgery on January 12th wasn't always a sure-thing because I could have just as easily gotten into a car accident and had to have it rescheduled.  Ummmm.  Yes, that makes me feel much better.

And my friend, Kristen, had the best idea of all:  Before my surgery, take a sharpie and write on my left breast "THIS ONE" so there are no more mistakes.  I might actually do this.

Surgery is now scheduled for noon on January 19th.

CTA scan and stuff

Drove into Rochester during a major blizzard to have my CTA scan.  Got an IV placed and had an awful contrast injected.  They told me that I would be able to taste it, that is would make me feel a warm rush throughout my body, and  that it would make me feel like I'm peeing my pants.  Yep, yep, and yep.  It also can cause deadly allergic reactions, so I had to stay for a bit afterwards, next to a bunch of life-saving equipment.  This scan will let the plastic surgeon know if I have enough good blood vessels in my abdomen to do a reconstruction without having to cut out part of my stomach muscle for a blood supply.  Fingers crossed on that one.  I assume I will know the results at my pre-op appointment with him on December 30th.

In the meantime, I recieved a letter from my insurance company that my plastic surgeon (Dr. Vega) will no longer be a participating provider.  After February 28th, we do not know if insurance will cover his services.  That means I will have my reconstruction covered, but by the time I need to have any adjustments so my breasts match, and have a nipple reconstructed, I may be on my own.  I will have to have this awkward conversation with Dr. Vega, "Sooo, how much does a nipple cost out-of-pocket?"  Great.

It's Christmas - I don't have any more appointments until afterwards.  Thankfully, I'm staying insanely busy so I don't have time to dwell on the fact that my feeling-great days are numbered.  I've put those thoughts on the back burner as much as my brain will let me.

Surgery scheduled

So, it had been eight days since I called and asked for surgery to be scheduled through Dr. Vega's office.  They were going to call me back with a date.  I waited.  And waited.  Nothing.  Finally, I got a phone call from Dr. Vega's yesterday.  They wanted to schedule my pre-op appointment.  Um, I don't even know when my surgery is.  Oh, it's January 12th.  Yeah, thanks for letting me know.  Rrrrr!

So, that is set.  December 15th, I go for my CTA scan of the blood vessels in my abdomen, to make sure they are good for breast reconstruction.  December 30th is my pre-op with Dr. Vega.  I'm assuming I will have a pre-op appointment with Dr. Hetland too?

I'm happy I will be able to get through the holidays and have a week or so back at school prior to being out.