The looming chemo is really taking a toll on me. I'm more afraid of the chemo than I was about the mastectomy. I knew exactly what to expect with the mastectomy. I have no idea how I'll handle the chemo. I don't like unplanned stuff.....surprises. Will I be able to work and take care of the kids when I'm going through this? Everyone has different opinions. I'm so freaked out about that. I'm so freaked out about losing my hair. I've been miserable to be around - just ask Dave.
I got a package in the mail yesterday from a dear friend in Pennsylvania. I opened it up to find a care package of mints, body lotion, lip balm, and hand sanitizer - along with other goodies. It made me tear up. Who tears up about hand sanitizer???? People have been so good to me throughout this whole thing and it still continues.
I still haven't had a cry about this whole thing and I probably should. I'm sure I'll get around to it pretty soon. It needs to happen or I'm going to explode.
I got three books about cancer and chemo for the boys. We were reading them one afternoon this weekend and James' eyes starting shutting. Then he said he was going to throw up. We went into the bathroom and I held his head over the toilet for a bit. After about 5 minutes, he was fine and ready to run around. I think the books were too much for him all at one time. We revisited them later.
I saw the cardiologist yesterday. Turns out that I DO have a heart, contrary to popular belief. He took a million ultrasounds. The ultrasound wand hurt, since my heart is under my left breast. He says they take this baseline because my first round of drugs could send my heart into heart failure - whatever that means - but it doesn't sound very fun. The chance is very low. I was watching the ultrasound as he did it. He got all excited and said, "Do you see that wire inside your heart?!" Ewwww, God, no, what???? "That's your port!!" I had no idea that my port dumps right into my heart chamber.
Speaking of the port, it's been more painful than I thought it would be. I absolutely hate the feel of something foreign in my chest and the bump that is visible. It hurts when the kids hug me. It hurts to lift my arm and sleep on my side. I still haven't taken the bandage off. I don't want to see it. I have no choice tomorrow. Before I leave work, I'm going to have to take the bandage off and apply my numbing cream for my appointment at 1:00. I dread doing that. I also need to race like hell out of school to get home to change into comfy clothes (recommended, and needed for port access) and pick up Dave.
I don't want to do this....I don't want to do this......I don't want to do this......
I have a couple of friends who have been through chemo. One says to not think of this as poison, but to think of it as Pac-Man eating up the bad cancer cells. Another says to think of this as a major battle and that we're sending in the drone strikes. The doctor says it's not going to be pleasant but I'm going to make it through.
I will.....I don't have any other choices.
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