Two Muffins

Bare with me.  This is going to start off with a lot of whining and complaining.  It gets better, I promise!

I have been suffering, in my opinion severely, since I had that first chemo treatment.  Seriously, the list of complaints is crazy:  nausea, exhaustion, heart pain, constipation, sore gut track, heartburn, anxiety, sensory overload, processing disorder,  skin changes, and in general, I think I'm dying.  Dave keeps checking in with text messages and offering to fly home. Each morning I get up at 6:00 (after a SOLID NINE HOURS of sleep!!), get myself ready, get the kids ready, take the kids to school, get myself to school.....and then by 8:00 I am slumped over my desk, shaking with exhaustion.  It has been alarming, to say the least.  I am finding stairs difficult at school.  I am trying to park closer to my room.  I go home at the end of the day and have nothing left.  I have meals in the freezer that I am too exhausted to get out and defrost.  I love, love, love food.....seriously......and lately all I can eat is pasta, bread, and crackers.  Chemo destroys the lining of your gut track.  Who knew?   I am getting crushing pain in my chest, which my drama side says is heart failure, even though my tiny bit of sanity tells me it is anxiety.  I've been a wreck!   The other night I went to sleep thinking I'd be dead by the morning and stressed all night about the boys finding me DEAD!  So, yesterday, I had to teach them how to use my cell phone to call 911.  Finding your mom dead and having no way to get help seems like it would take a shit-ton of therapy to correct.  At the very least, now they can access "YouTube Kids" on my phone to distract them from my cold body.

Today, I had a one week check-in with the oncologist.  I had bloodwork done, too.  First of all, I do love this doctor.  She is so very kind and gets it.  She let me list all my complaints and went through each one.  My gut track issues are normal.  She said I actually look good - no sores.  I'm on Pepcid starting today.  If I continue to have heart pain while on the Pepcid, I'm supposed to go to ER and have an echocardiogram right away.  All the other stuff is super normal.  She said she was surprised to hear me say that I would try to work through chemo.  Maybe I said that, but I really was trying to get a handle on if it was possible.  She, and others, have told me not to be a hero, and not to push through.  The funny thing is that I couldn't even push through if I wanted to.  My body is 100% in charge right now.  She wants me to be kind to myself, rest, and let others do things for me.  Sigh.  It's just so HARD for me!!!  She asked me if she could write a note to take me out of school.  Ughhh!  My brain was firing between yes and no so quickly!  The good thing is that the superintendent had already told me not to have the doctor take me out of school.  She said that I could take whatever days I need and that they would understand.  She's retired, so I'm not sure if that still stands.  I do think I would like to try some half days and see if it helps me function.  I love my job.  I love being at school.  I love being busy.  My body and brain are in a serious struggle.  I asked her if things would get better once I'm off this A-C chemo and switch to T in 2 months.  She hesitated and said, "It will all catch up to you. It may not feel any easier.  In fact, this A-C is such a difficult regiment that maybe we talk about not doing the T and give you a break."

All in all, she says I look surprisingly better than most people a week after A-C treatment.  She said everything I'm going through is normal.  She says I'm probably not going to wake up dead in the morning. :) She said my white blood cell count is 3.3. It's low, but not too low.  I'll have to do some reading on those numbers. Other blood lab results are coming in later today.  If anything is out of line, she will call me right away.  She asked if I had begun losing my hair.  I haven't yet, but my skull has a continual light headache.  She says it will happen around day 10.  Three more days......

So, continue on, continuing on.  Stay away from crowds and sick kids.  Ha. Right.  Don't touch door knobs, elevator buttons, and hand rails. Wash, wash, wash, and re-wash my hands.  Don't get sick!

If you're still reading this after all that complaining, wow!  You are a true friend!  I don't want this to get too glum and lose my readership!!!  So, I'll end with this joke:

Two muffins were sitting in the oven baking.  One muffin turned to the other and said, "Hey, it's pretty hot in here, isn't it?"  The other turned and shouted, "Holy shit!  A talking muffin!!"

Sounds like I'll even make it a few more days......for more jokes! :)